


If I only could, I'd make a deal with God (And get him to swap our places)

by Singasongandneverstop



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Grant Ward Redemption, not SHIELD or Coulson friendly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-05-30 18:22:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6435448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Singasongandneverstop/pseuds/Singasongandneverstop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grant ward has been trapped in Vault D for months and is busted out by unexpected "guests". Will this be a chance for him to atone for all he's done?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Knock knock.

The only thing Grant can hear down in the dark chamber is his own blood pulsing in his veins. He’s woken from another nightmare where he’s again being tortured by Garrett while the team watches. The words are still lingering on his lips: “NO, PLEASE, STOP!” He’s calling out again and again, but they all start laughing at him. He can even remember hearing May muttering how weak and pathetic he is. Even sleep is too much of a torment now.

He wonders how the hell he got into this fine mess, how he didn’t confess to Coulson almost right away. He had so many chances to do it, to let him know why he was actually there on the Bus in the first place. But he blew all of them, and he regrets it with every fiber of his being as he thinks about how much his team came to mean the world to him.  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Upstairs in the base, things are quiet for a moment, before there’s a blast, and the whole building shakes. Tony Stark steps through the hole in the wall, along with Steve, Thor, Romanoff and Barton. “Search the place,” Steve orders. “We need to find Coulson.” They look around, trying to find him, and encounters some, but not many familiar faces as they search.

“Sir,” Jarvis alerts Tony, “There’s someone trapped downstairs in one of the holding cells. He seems to be in critical condition.” Tony pales when he hears that and informs Steve of the news, who immediately orders Romanoff and Barton to follow Tony. They make their way downstairs (under many protests from Agents Koenig and May), and Natasha frowns when all she sees is a white wall. “Someone’s behind that wall.” 

She manages to wrestle the tablet from May, who was been knocked down by Stark, and gently presses the buttons on the screen to remove the white wall in front of them. The sight which meet them, makes her pale. Grant Ward is slumped on the bench in the small space, looking so hollow and utterly defeated. “Jesus.”

Natasha and Barton rush to Grant’s aid and help him standing up. She can see the scars covering his wrists, some bumpy, some red-lined. “R-Romanoff?” Ward’s voice is weak and disbelieving as he turns his head to look at them both. “Barton?” Natasha gives him a small smile. “Long time, no see.” They hold onto him as they half-way carry him upstairs, and is met by a furious Coulson. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Romanoff? This son of a bitch-“ Coulson is cut off as Steve grabs him by the collar and hoists him up.

There isn’t the same half-smile on Steve’s face as it usually has been when he’s spoken to or about Coulson. Steve is so angry he can barely breathe for a moment, and Natasha smirks when she sees what effect his rage has on Coulson. “Fury asked you to rebuild a better SHIELD,” Steve glares at Coulson, so angry he can barely control the rage under his skin. “But not like this!” He points to Ward who is now only held up by Natasha and Barton. “Torturing people is not what SHIELD should stand for!”

Natasha pales when she hears that, and Steve turns to her and Barton. “Get him out to the Quinjet. We’ll deal with the rest here.” Steve lets go of Coulson, who falls to the floor and coughs. “You and I are not done yet.” Steve says and picks up Coulson again as he drags him with him to find the rest of the agents on the base. The only thing Ward can hear now is the pounding of his blood in his ears. He’s free. The Avengers got him out of that hell-hole. “Hey, don’t fall asleep now, okay?” He hears Romanoff say. “You and I are still gonna have a talk.” 

It’s the last thing he hears before his eyes closes and the pounding in his ears slowly dissipates.


	2. Cause I’m broken when I’m open (And I don’t feel like I am strong enough)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ward wakes up at Avengers Tower, and has a talk with Natasha.

The first thing Grant notices when he wakes up is the light. It’s not the harsh light in Vault D that almost blinds him whenever it’s turned on. This is a soft light that gradually lets him adjust to it, and his heart starts hammering once he realizes he’s not down in the vault anymore. “Hey.” He jolts when he hears Romanoff’s voice, and blinks as he sees her. She’s sitting next to his bed, and he’s ready to bolt. “You’ve got nothing to be afraid of here, Ward.”

Natasha tries to keep her voice calm, even a little soothing as she sees the panic in Ward’s eyes. “Why did you bust me out of there?” She hears how his voice rises. “Why am I here?!” Natasha gets up from her chair and puts her hands on his arms. “We came to talk to Coulson at first,” She keeps her voice slow and steady, so he can understand she’s no threat to him. “But JARVIS picked up on your vitals down in the cell, and we made the decision to get you out from there.”

“But Coulson kept me down there for a reason-“ Natasha shakes her head when she hears that. “Steve told me Coulson had admitted that you’d been down there for around… six or seven months, was it? Six months without sunlight, no exposure to the outer world and little to no human contact aside from interrogations.” She sighed. “Fury might’ve wanted Coulson to rebuild SHIELD, but he sure as hell fucked it up big time.”

Grant looks down at his hands as he listens to Romanoff speaking. At this point, he’s just grateful they haven’t restrained him by any means, and he knows that if he should make a run for it, Romanoff will take him out in the matter of seconds. “Thank you.” His voice is weak, even wavers for a brief moment. “Thank you for getting me out of there, but I don’t deserve it.”

Natasha covers his large hand with her smaller one. “Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself. I know you’re far from innocent in everything that happened… But if SHIELD could help me, then let us help you.” Banner appears in the doorway, and Natasha asks him to bring Ward some water. Once he’s back, she carefully hands the cup to Ward and watched as he gulps the water down, he must be absolutely parched. “Now, start from the beginning. I have a feeling there’s a lot of things I haven’t been told.”

Grant nods and sits up in the bed, then begins to tell her what happened. He tells her of his family history, about how Christian tried to strangle him several times in his sleep when he was younger, so that he’d ended up sleeping with a knife under his pillow to defend himself. His voice cracks several times when he tells her about the incident at the well, how completely helpless he felt seeing Thomas down in the cold, dark water, and Romanoff has him pause several times to be able to talk further.

He tells her how he set fire to his childhood home, fully knowing that Christian and his parents would be in there. “I wanted them dead,” He whispers, “I wanted them to pay for everything they did.” He sees how Romanoff nods, but still doesn’t say anything. “Then I got arrested and sent to juvie. Not even three days later, Garrett shows.” He sees how Romanoff tenses at the mention of his old mentor’s name.   
.  
“Someone inside the detention facility must’ve alerted the authorities about the bust, so I don’t understand how they didn’t realize you had been taken away with Garrett and his goons.” Natasha runs her hand through her hair. “And what happened then?” She immediately sees how Ward noticeably tenses and then looks away. “He left me in the woods of Wyoming for five years. Said I needed to learn how to be a man and survive on my own. I only saw him every few months when he showed up randomly.”

Natasha listens intently to everything Ward tells her, noting how everything he says adds up to the picture she’s had in her head of Garrett for years. The man was a monster and a sleaze ball, and now she had word for her suspicions. Still, she knows Ward could be lying to her, but one look on his face quickly kills that thought. She’s never seen a man looking more like a deer in the headlights, and if they’re to get something out of this, she knows she needs to reassure him that nothing will happen to him.

“Last time he showed up, he told me I’d been accepted into the Ops Academy.” Ward’s voice is still weak, and Natasha feels a lump form in the pit of her stomach. “I was real happy just to be able to get out of there, but before we left, he gave me one last thing to do to prove that I could emotionally detach myself.” Here he pauses, and Natasha sees how his eyes turn blank. “What did he make you do, Ward?” Her voice is soft as she asks him.

“He wanted me to kill Buddy. The dog he’d given me when he first dumped me in the forest.” Grant’s voice is so shaky, he struggles to hear what he’s saying himself. “I took him with me further into the forest, so that Garrett wouldn’t see what I was going to do. I-I stood there with the gun pointed at him for what felt like an eternity…. But I couldn’t do it. I told Buddy to run, and once I was sure he would be out of sight for a bullet, I fired a shot into the air.”

Natasha doesn’t move a muscle as she listens to him, yet something tells her there’s more to Buddy’s story. “I-I-I saw Buddy run in between the trees, and I was so sure that he’d get away…. And then I heard a shot in the distance, and I saw Buddy slump down and hit the ground….” He stops talking and tries to calm down, but Natasha sees how his body is shaking with silent sobs, and she reaches out and covers his hand with hers. “Ward?”

He grabs her hand and squeezes it almost to the point where Natasha wants to pull back, but she doesn’t. She lets him hold her till he’s calm enough to tell her more. “A-And once I’d been accepted to Coulson’s team, I tried to keep a distance to them, to everyone, because I knew I needed to do my job.” Ward looks up at her, his eyes now red-rimmed. “But that didn’t work, did it?” Natasha asks.

Grant shakes his head. “I followed Simmons out of the plane when she threw herself out mid-air-“ He stops when he sees the obvious confusion on Romanoff’s face. “She was infected with a virus she’d contracted from a man who’d touched a Chitauri helmet during the clean-up after the Battle of New York. The virus would’ve killed her by frying her nervous system, which would again have brought the Bus down.”

Natasha listens as he continues to tell her about his time with Coulson and his team. “The time when we were in Dublin… and I touched the Berserker Staff. I’ve never been so angry in my entire life. The staff… It made me remember the first time I felt hate. It was when Christian threw Thomas down the well…. Once Christian was gone, I barely managed to get Thomas out from there without him drowning.”

“It’s a miracle I didn’t attack anyone at the Bus. I was so angry I could barely see straight. And when those Norse paganists showed up…. I barely managed to keep myself from outright killing them.” He looks down at his hands, and Natasha doesn’t say a word. “That’s when Skye came.”

Natasha immediately notices how his voice and features soften when he says her name. Skye. She must’ve been someone very important to him. “What did Skye do, Ward?” He looks up at her, must’ve slipped away for a moment. “She stayed with me in the bar that night, and… we had a talk. She said that if I needed someone to talk to… that her shoulder was free.” He smiles weakly. “I still don’t understand why I didn’t just tell her everything back then.”

Natasha sits back and contemplates everything he’s currently told her. She knows some of what happened, from what Hill told her, Ward had stolen the plane that belonged to Coulson & his team. “You also killed Victoria Hand,” She says, and sees how Ward once again fixes his gaze on his hands. “I know,” he says, “And I’m sure as hell not proud of doing it.” He looks up at Natasha. “She ordered me to kill Garrett. At the time, I simply couldn’t do that.”

A sigh escapes Natasha’s lips. “Victoria Hand was a good friend of mine.” She sees how Ward positively flinches. “And I’m mad that she’s dead.” She stands up and sighs. “And as much as I’d love to see you punished for that and all the other things you’ve done, what Coulson and his team did to you was beyond inexcusable. You have a lot of red in your ledger, and I’d like to help you wipe it out.”

Grant’s eyes grow huge as he listens to her. “You… You want to help me?” He’s sure that by now, she’s messing with him. But the sincere, if somewhat conflicted look in her eyes says otherwise. “Shield helped me when I needed it. I don’t see why I and the rest of the Avengers shouldn’t help you now.”


	3. Practiced on our sins (Never gonna let me win)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ward makes several discoveries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry for not having updated this sooner!

The next day, Grant wakes when he hears rustling next to his bed. He looks up to see Stark standing there, looking at him with curiosity. “Mr. Stark.” The man merely raises an eyebrow. 

“It’s okay, kiddo. No one’s gonna bite off your ear or something, so sit up. I’ve got you some breakfast.” He returns with a bowl of vegetable broth. “Banner wasn’t sure what you could stomach, so he figured you should start off easy.” Grant takes the bowl, and gulps it down without even thinking. When the liquid hits his tongue, he’s reminded of how starving he is.

“Whoa, easy.” Tony frowns when he sees how Ward gulps down the broth like its nothing. He lets him have a little more, and then sends him off to the bathroom to let him clean himself up. Grant’s eyes are huge as he takes in the enormous shower and the bathtub. “People could actually live in here.”

“Yeah, I did for a while.” Tony admits. “Shampoo and soap are over there, and towels over there.” He then leaves him alone, and goes to check on the prisoners. “Have they said anything?” Steve shakes his head. “Not a god damn word.” Tony’s eyes widen. “That’s a bad language word.” Steve just rolls his eyes and leaves to interrogate Coulson.

Meanwhile, Ward is trying to figure out how the hell the shower is supposed to turn on. He keeps pressing various buttons, when a voice fills the room. “Push the button to your left, Mr.Ward.” He leaps back, looking around the room. “Who’s there?!” He grabs the nearest thing next to him, which happens to be a bar of soap. “My name Is JARVIS, sir. I am an Artificial Intelligence programmed by Mr.Stark to function around the tower, and I will not harm you.”

Grant calms a little, and puts down the soap, but yelps when the water starts spraying over him. It takes him a moment to get accustomed to the pleasant heat of the water, and he’s in there for 6 minutes, before stepping out and drying off. There’s a set of clothes laid out for him at the counter, along with an electric razor. He shaves away the beard, watching as lumps of dark hair fall into the marble sink, almost staining the white colour of the stone.

Soon, the sink is filled with his hair, and he looks at himself in the mirror. The beard is finally gone, along with the too-long hair. He runs his hand over the buzzcut, revelling in the unfamiliarity of it. He looks so young again, almost like he’d done when he’d gone AWOL and set fire to his parents’ house.

“No.” He brushes his teeth and goes out, finding Romanoff and the others waiting for him. “Coulson and the others won’t speak,” Captain Rogers says, and Grant nods. “I don’t expect them to.” Romanoff sighs. “We’re keeping you here until they start talking. Not only about what they did to you, but how Coulson’s been running SHIELD ever since Fury gave him the Toolbox.” Grant nods, but doesn’t move.

“You’re free to move where you like in here,” Stark says, “Except from the lower levels.” The quick glance he shares with Romanoff and Rogers, confirms to Grant that it’s where the team’s being kept. “I won’t go down there.” He says. His attention is taken by Romanoff, who takes him to Stark’s extensive library, where she finds several history books, which he dives right into. She watches him with a slight smile as he reads, and notices Banner next to her.

“You’re gonna turn him again?” She shrugs. “From what he told me, he was only part of HYDRA because of his loyalty to Garrett.” She hears Bruce sigh, and nods. “It was misplaced, but this could be a turning point for him to get his feet back on the ground. And he would be a very useful on the team.” Bruce raises an eyebrow. “You’re making him an Avenger?”

Natasha shakes her head. “More of a resource. He seems to possess considerable intel, which we could use to take down what’s left of HYDRA.” He nods. “Not a bad plan.”  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Down in the lower levels of the tower, Skye wakes with a start. She looks around, trying to assess the situation, and realizes she’s in a holding cell. “Hello?” It reminds her of Vault D back at the Playground, where Ward- no, she wouldn’t allow herself to think about him, it simply hurt too much, and she couldn’t stomach it.

She got up and looked around, seeing a door through the barrier, which soon opened. Her eyes widened as she saw Natasha Romanoff step out, and she straightened her back. “Where am I?” Natasha merely raised an eyebrow. “You’re in a secure location, Miss Poots.” She doesn’t react when the other agent groans at the mention of her old name. “I need you to tell me exactly what’s been going on under Coulson’s time as Director of SHIELD.”  
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In the upper levels, Grant is moving around quietly, taking in everything around him. The whole place is so much more technologically advanced that what he’s used to, it almost hurts. Almost by chance, he finds what he realizes is some sort of control room for the lower levels, and manages to access the cameras.

When five very familiar faces show on the screens, his heart jumps into his throat. Skye and the others are being held in cells, and he’s trying to process it for a brief second. He doesn’t see the small shadow outside the barrier to her cell when he presses the audio access button. He hears her talking to someone. “Skye?”

Skye’s head jolts up when she hears Ward’s voice calling her name, and she looks into the camera on the opposite wall. “Ward?” Her voice isn’t as dismissive and arrogant as she tries to keep it whenever she’s had to speak to him since his imprisonment. “Ward, is that you?”

Grant tries to keep his pulse in check when he hears her speak his name. “Yeah, I’m here.” He sees how she looks into the camera, right at him. “Skye, are you okay?” He sees her nodding. “Yeah,” She says. “I’m okay.”   
He smiles sadly as he lets go of the audio access button and leaves.


	4. If I told you what I was (would you turn your back on me?) Part 1:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Romanoff and company start their interrogations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Long time, no see. RL has been superbusy.

Skye looks around in the cell for escape routes. It’s eerily similar to the Vault at the Playground, and now she begins to understand how Ward must’ve felt during all those months alone. Her skin itches at the lack of sunlight and fresh air, and she feels somewhat sick.

“Don’t worry.” Natasha raises an eyebrow. “I’m not here to torture you, if that’s what you think. I just want to talk.” Skye doesn’t relax at that. She’s still shocked from hearing Ward talking, but gathers her senses and mentally preps for the interrogation. “Now,” Natasha continues, “Start from the day SHIELD fell.”  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________-  
In another cell, Steve steps in, and sees the man tied to the chair in front of him. Once upon a time, he would have felt respect, and after he died, remorse as to how he gave his life to stop Loki, but now? Nothing but anger.

Coulson did put up a fight when they busted Ward out of the Vault. Now, his cheek is marred with a huge bruise, after Steve had to knock him out. Steve takes the other chair, and glances at the other man, who’s slowly coming back to consciousness. “Start talking,” is all he says. “I want to know what the hell has been going on.”

The look on Coulson’s face confirms he knows he has no other choice, and Steve settles as he listens. “So,” he interrupts when Coulson finishes telling how they’d escaped to one of the SSR’s old bases in Virginia, “You just threw him into a dark hole? I thought you knew better than that, Coulson.”  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Phil glares. He’s tried his best to be as subjective as possible, but with how much pain he’s in at the moment, it’s hard not to sound angry. “He betrayed us, Captain Rogers. I took the steps necessary to protect the members of my team.” 

At that, it’s as if Steve’s eyes are shooting lightning, and he grabs him by the collar, yanking him onto his feet. “He needed help, Coulson. He was lost, and you had the means to help him, yet chose not to. Shield was founded on the principle of protection, Coulson. Or did you forget that when you retreated into the hole you called a base and ran your little gang of vigilantes?”

He doesn’t have a good answer to that. He knows he can’t answer it either, because in a way, Rogers is right. But he had to run SHIELD as a vigilante group, otherwise the government would have found them, taken them into custody and disbanded the organisation. It was either do or don’t. And quite frankly? He hadn’t offered helping Ward a second thought, as he had been busy running the organisation and making it somewhat functional.

Rogers lets him go, and he slumps down on the chair again. He can’t help but feel defeated, that he’s somehow betrayed his promise to Fury. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He’s worked so hard to establish a functioning organisation, and then Stark and the Avengers showed up. Phil doesn’t even find it in him to start explaining to Rogers how he came back to life.  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
In Skye’s cell, she’s telling Romanoff everything that’s happened from the day SHIELD fell, to when the Playground was attacked. “Ward I… we… I guess you can say we have history together.” Romanoff nods.

“He spoke fondly of you.” She says, and Skye looks up. “He told me about you two having talked in a bar in Dublin?” Skye nods. “When we helped professor Randolph to retrieve the Berserker staff, and the Norse Paganists killed him. Ward touched the staff, and…” She trails off, trying to find the right words. “I’ve never seen him so angry. He looked as if he was capable of tearing a man apart with his bare hands.”

Natasha listens as Skye recounts everything that’s happened. In many ways, she can understand both sides of the cause, but Ward still weighs heavy on her. She knows he can be saved, just like Clint saved her. It’s just going to take a lot of work. And she needs to work Coulson and May into doing it with her.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Upstairs, Grant is in the control room when he logs onto the feed from Skye’s cell. He listens to her talking to Natasha, and smiles sadly. All the things she’s mentioning, he’s missed. He still does. But he also knows that if he’s to ever come on speaking terms with her and the others, there is a lot of work to be done. They’ll hate him, he knows, but he’ll take it.

He knows he can.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


End file.
